hope is the thing with feathers

So begins a new year!

A part of me wants to throw confetti in welcome, but another part of me looks back on 2018 with a bit of sadness for everything that happened and can never be forgotten. Some of it's good, but some parts of it were overwhelming, hence the never to be forgotten bit.

My hope is that the growing I did in 2018 will benefit me in this new year. A new year is never going to be perfect and trouble-free, that much I know for sure, but I still want to approach the year with the same belief that God is faithful and in hope that I can handle anything that 2019 might throw my way.

How do you approach the new year? Optimistic? Hopeful? Fearful? Anticipatory?

What are some of the organizational decisions you make for every new year?

Now that I'm renting an apartment instead of living with my family, organization has become a must. To be transparent, it's never been my strength either. Which makes it a bit daunting. But there are a few things that I'm implementing this year that I've never tried before.

• Time to move from card to cash. Starting with grocery money at the beginning of every month and then progressing by mid-summer to everything being paid for with cash unless it's an internet purchase.
• Time for the daunting daily planner! Because, like I said, I suck at organization. I hate daily planners, though, so I'm going to research a variety of designs before choosing one. I'll have one in my possession by the end of the month. It may even end up being a whiteboard.
• Meal planning. I've gotten used to eating out since I lived with my family and paid minimal rent. Not the case anymore, so it's time to reserve eating out for special occasions and get-togethers and implement tasty and cost-effective home-cooking.
• Chop the website shopping! I'm addicted to Etsy. People have such incredible crafting ideas and every single one of them is listed on Etsy. It's time to switch my attention from web browsing in my spare time to crafting instead, with supplies I already have, of which there are many. 
• And because I'm done with a small laundry basket, time for a bigger one. This will keep my closet, drawers, and room so much tidier.

How about the fun decisions? Things that are beneficial for you, but will also be fun once you get going?

There are so many things I love doing, but usually end up putting aside. Such as this, for one thing. A good friend of mine said something very profound recently. She reminded me that the important things with my hobbies, including my writing, is to just do it because I love it. And to not quit out of fear.

• Read books, books, books, lots of them. A combo of middle grade fiction and classic literature with a solid focus on Charles Dickens. I'm already partially through Bleak House and loving it!
• Knitting and crochet, finishing projects that are halfway done, so Hufflepuff fingerless gloves, a peacock inspired purse, a crochet Dobby, and a gorgeous blue shawl made of yarn from Finland.
• Personal journaling of favorite memories.
• Blogging for fun
• Strengthening exercises because I really like not having lower back pain and I kinda love how the exercises make me feel, so much more capable.

Happy New Year to all of you! May you have the best success in 2019 with your dreams and goals!

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Discovering Man's (and Woman's) Great End

Have you ever noticed how the hustle and bustle of the world in which we live sometimes interferes with the spiritual side of our life? The car needs an oil change, the kids have three different activities a week, dinner needs making, laundry needs washing; we go, go, go all the time. And the one thing that gets forgotten is our time with God.

I'm just as guilty of it as the next Christian, probably guiltier than most. The sacrifice we make when we don't spend time with God clouds the vision of who He has called us to be. Because He has called each and every one of us to a purpose. Surprisingly, they're all the same purpose. Oh, we might have different dreams, but the person the Lord wants us to be is the same for every one of us.

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When I graduate this December . . .

. . . that pair of socks I started knitting last year will get finished. Those two library books I misplaced somewhere in the house in March will be found. My story about Francie and Trey will finally get edited. The hoards of books in my library stash will get read. The furniture in my room will be dusted and shined. The carpet will get a thoroughly deep cleaning. I will finally qualify for those jobs requiring a BA degree. And, most importantly, I will enjoy Christmas like I haven't done in years. If only my baby sister were finished with her degree, but not just yet.

Don't mistake me. I wouldn't trade my education for anything in the world. Some classes haven't added an iota of importance to my life while others have solidified my Christian worldview like nothing else could. I have read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein three times for different classes, loathed every moment of a children's literature class, and suffered through four math classes. I have developed an abiding love of literature from the Victorians and the British Romantics, and I shockingly love learning about the history of the Christian church. But I am now at the end of the road for my Bachelor's Degree. The lightness in my chest is pure heaven.

What will I be like? All I've known for the last 5 years is the girl driven to finish her degree. It seemed an endless tunnel of studying and grades and then, suddenly, that tunnel had an end. Who will I be when I no longer have professors to impress? Will my drive bleed over into my writing? Or will it find a new outlet in a new job? I can't even picture myself without another assignment deadline needing to be met. But I can hardly wait to meet this new Carissa who is waiting just around the corner of my life.

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A Tale of Friendships & Fear

It's totally weird that I'm getting page views from something called "The Tao of Badass." Not that I'm complaining, but really? I appreciate the views, but I'd much rather the people who would actually enjoy reading what I write find my blog instead of having it thrust upon them as an ad.

Anyhoo, in the same continuation as last night, I had lunch with my 68-year-old friend today. She's my volunteer for the library on Tuesday mornings, helping me process incoming holds, so we usually have lunch together afterwards. This time we packed lunch, one of my sweetest coworkers was also in the breakroom, so we all had lunch together, talking the Kindle Fire and the Royal Family's new baby (I'm full to the brim with news on Kate), and it was fun.

You, or rather I, really miss out on a lot by being afraid to connect with people because they might die. It's probably the worst thing in the world for someone with my personality type to be afraid to care. ISFJ's are genetically geered towards caring so when we try to turn it off, it's like our happiness shrinks. I'm so much nicer in general when I'm not worried about getting too close to someone. I suppose it doesn't help that I made friends with the library's security guard only to have an all-out war ensue between him and the bosses. It got ugly real fast and I heard complaints from both sides. It was hard because I really like both sides. So, he's gone now and I feel like I gave my friendship to someone who didn't deserve it, or used me falsely. It's a feeling of abandonment. I'm the same way when people move to another city or state or if they get a new job.

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A Very Supernatural Moment

Sam and Dean on Christmas

In a world of superficiality, why do I find profound meaning in Supernatural? I gave up watching that show in the 4^th season. I was good with the demons and the ghosts, all of the baddies Sam and Dean had to fight, but not so good with the false representation of God and angels they added to the plot in the 4^th season. So it’s been what, three years, four since I stopped watching? On a whim, I bought a couple of my favorite episodes from Amazon, just so I’d have them if the mood ever strikes.

Watching A Very Supernatural Christmas from the 3^rd season was like a trip back in time. It’s always been one of the show’s best episodes, if not the best, at least of the seasons I’ve watched. A little thing like impending death makes Dean sentimental. I’d forgotten how . . . peaceful he was in the 3^rd season, even while knowing that he only “supposedly” had a few months to live. He wants Christmas, wants to mend bridges and build memories, especially with Sam. He’s the big brother and the father figure.

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The Father Figure in The Closer & Major Crimes

Provenza and Sanchez in The Closer

Today, as I watched Julio Sanchez on The Closer break down in tears in his superior’s arms, my heart shattered for him. Sanchez is strong. He’s a fighter. He became a cop when everyone else in his neighborhood joined a gang. And his brother was killed because he was wearing a baseball cap. The baseball cap Julio had given him for his birthday only a month prior. And when he clings to Provenza, their relationship moves beyond mere coworkers and more into the realm of family. No one else knows quite what to say to Julio, how to be there for him, what to do, but Provenza just let him cry out the grief and guilt.

There’s this weird belief in American society that real men don’t cry. Well, you don’t get more masculine than Julio Sanchez. But being strong wasn’t what helped him start down that road to healing, it was the tears, the ability to let his emotions out, that helped him more than anything else. And that’s why I love Provenza. Oh, I know, he’s had somewhere in the realm of 4 marriages and failed at all of them. He’s a smartass and gets into loads of trouble at least once every season, always accompanied by Flynn. But he’s also the Daddy of the group. He’s the supporter, the healer, the listener, because deep down under that gruff, grouchy exterior, Provenza cares.

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Road Trip

One of the best things about driving in the country is, well, driving in the country. You just get in the car and within half an hour of leaving the city you're surrounded by rolling hills and, in my case, lots and lots of prairie. I love it! Don't get me wrong. I don't live under any false pretenses that I'm a country girl. I was born in a California city and have living in either smallish towns or cities ever since. The country has never been my thing, as much as I wish it were. But I love the breath of fresh air it brings to my soul.

The blacktop just clicks along under my tires, the ever-present Wal-mart vanishes, leaving in its wake small-town grocery stores and those Mom and Pop cafes that tend to die out on a monthly basis in the big city. It's beautiful and refreshing and when I leave the city behind a part of me wishes I didn't have to go back. Do you ever get that sensation? Where you just wish you could keep driving forever?

You see, my folks traveled a lot when I was a kid. Being homeschooled, there wasn't much tying us down, and so, we traveled throughout most of the western states, adventuring in our motor home. It never occurred to me that most families didn't live that way. I loved it. Which is why it feels so strange staying in one place for so long. I've lived in Colorado for almost fifteen years. The bug to travel doesn't bite me as deeply as it once did, but it's still there, waiting to resurface every time I turn my tires down a country highway. I just want to keep going and see what's out there.

Luckily for me, and my family, when I drive on the country roads I always have a destination in mind. My best friend lives in the country, on a solid square mile of property owned by her family, so that's the direction I point my car. It gives me a solid couple of hours driving time, but at least I know that I have a place to stop at the end, with someone who knows me, not surrounded by strangers.

Do you ever wonder what the politicians of our great nation think of America? I suspect they believe it is compiled of mainly cities and towns, with no country left to speak of, and why not, since they travel in airplanes, leaving one city of 700,000 people to land in another of an equally large or larger population. I wish they would all just take a road-trip. Pile their loves ones and bodyguards into the limousine, or better yet, rent a more surreptitious car, and just drive. Visit the monuments and state parks of America, stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon, admire the Sand Dunes in Southern Colorado, trudge through the ancient ruins of Mesa Verde, and stare up, up, up at the glorious faces of four of America's greatest presidents gracing a mountain in South Dakota.

Would it change their perspective? Just stepping outside themselves for a little while, breathing an unaccustomed air, tickling their senses with unfamiliar sights, traveling down a country highway that leads them through endless landscapes dotted only by cattle, horses, and the occasional herd of Alpacas. The horizon is so much bigger, so much grander, so much more expansive, than they can imagine. How I wish all of America would take a step back from their confined lives and just drive, maybe for only an afternoon, stopping for a picnic by the side of the road, but at least they have the fresh air in their lungs, the sun on their face, and a warming of their heart that America is greater than they ever imagined.

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Joy Cometh in the Morning

Well, it's the beginning of a new month and anything has to be better than July, at least in Colorado. Have you ever noticed how life doesn't always meet our expectations? I don't know about you but I have what I always considered reasonable expectations in life. My expectations include a good family relationship, a job with people I like, a well-rounded education. I can also put time spent with friends, reading a good book, planting 60 iris bulbs (which I did by the way), or just unwinding after a long day. All of these things tell me that I'm physically secure. My life is stable.

So what do you do when life suddenly becomes a little less stable?

You know, those shootings in Aurora, CO and the Waldo Canyon Fire creeping so close to my home a few weeks before that. Suddenly life isn't quite as secure and stable as it once was. Suddenly things can happen, things I didn't bank on and certainly didn't welcome. If I may say so, they even had me freaking out just a little bit, as if my world were toppling. I never doubted God's sovereignty but it made me wonder why evil suddenly seemed so much more rampant than usual, at least in Colorado.

Then one day, right after the Aurora shooting I was driving home from work, listening to some Christian radio and the DJ stopped to pray. It was a woman and she gave a Bible quote from Psalm 30:5 that says "For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." You know how you've read something numerous times but it doesn't make an impact? I've read through Psalms at least 3 times in my young Christian life but I had no recollection of this verse. It was as if all the fear I'd been feeling was suddenly lifted away. It didn't exist anymore, at least not in a way that could hurt me or influence me.

Joy cometh in the morning.

Remember my dear friends that God is faithful and just. We don't always understand His plan or why things happen. But His anger lasts only for a moment and in His favor is life. We mustn't let our hearts be troubled by the tragedies of this world. It only lasts for a season and then we will be with Him. I just wanted to share this glorious bit of truth with you since God was kind enough to share it with me. God bless you. *hugs*

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One Day

It's a relief knowing that 28-year-old me is vastly different from 22-year-old me. Five years can make a huge difference in the life of any young person. Our perspectives change. Or at least they should. As Christians our faith should have deepened by this point. Or, unfortunately for many, that faith in God falls away altogether. I've seen friends who've had faith strengthen and I've seen friends who've had faith dissipate. I'm somewhere in the middle most of the time, which is actually a very sad place to be. My maturity levels have increased so much in the last few years and I've certainly become more open and agreeable to meeting new people than I used to be. But my faith, while there, isn't something I ever really exercise. I don't question it and I'm certainly not going to lose it. But that still, small voice meant to be the voice of God grows dimmer as the years pass. Why? Because I'm not exercising my faith. Because I don't spend time in the Word and I don't spend as much time as I should in prayer.

There you have it. My somewhat imperfect self. I'm happy with the 28-year-old me in all areas of my life except one; the development of my faith in Christ. The solution sounds so simple. Pray, read the Bible, and meditate upon Him. If only it were so simple. That's where Satan's little sneaky endeavors play a role. Something comes up and you cancel Scripture reading for only a day. My schedule is so hectic that before I realize it, it's been 4 days since I've said anything to Him other than a blessing over my meals. It feels almost like I'm a prodigal daughter except that I never deliberately ran away. I just sort of got distracted and well, wandered away.

The thing is: I know this isn't an easy fix. I'm at work at the moment so this is neither the time nor the place to sit down for some serious prayer and tears. That's always the way of it with me too. If I've wandered from Him, I pray, and I cry.  Is this what every Christian experiences? I'm not expecting an enormous epiphany. Oftentimes faith is the day-to-day experiences where I simply know that He's there and He cares. It's the trying to please Him with my life. That's when I'm actually happiest, when I'm closest to my Lord. That's when I care least about the fact that I'm single, or that I still have at least 2 years left in college, or that because of financial difficulty I still have to live at home. When I'm close to God, I love my family more and focus less on myself. When we're close, I care more about the troubles of my coworkers than I do when I'm not in communion with Him.

Those are the times when my love for Christ spills over into the other areas of my life. And it's beautiful. And it happens far too infrequently. God shouldn't be a fair-weather friend. Despite the terrifying amounts of hail and rain we've had this week, my life for the last several months has been good. It's been happy and carefree and because there haven't been any struggles, I've let time with my Savior slip by the wayside.

This isn't a "Now that you know about my lack of communion with Christ, I'm going to change from here on out" post. That would be complete and utter hypocrisy. I can only do this one day at a time. It's the same when I exercise. I don't look at the long road ahead of me. I focus only on that day. So, for this day, I'll go to church when I get home from work and do a little bit of confessing to Christ. Tomorrow is another day.

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Colorado Politics

Only a democrat could get away with saying "Ignorance is forgivable. Pride in ignorance never is." These are the words of a supporter of civil unions in Colorado, one of many thousands, who are desperate to overturn the ban on homosexual marriage we managed to pass in 2006. Or rather, the definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman.

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Piers Morgan & Kirk Cameron

It's happened again. Another Christian being forced into an opinion on homosexuality and then named an ignorant bigot. Only this time that Christian is Kirk Cameron and the brute is Piers Morgan and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. Piers is brutal in his opinions of people and always has been. He's hard to watch on America's Got Talent! because of that very problem. He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone. But I honestly didn't think he would stoop this low.

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A Day of Romance (not what you think)

 

Everyone who knows me intimately knows that I'm not much moved by Valentine's Day. That's not to say I'm not romantic but when  you don't yet have a sweetie of your own, it's not that impressive of a holiday. That said though, sometimes Valentine's Day has its good points. Such as last Saturday. The library district I work for has been trying hard to plan different and exciting events. I mean, we're having an anime prom for the teens in May and my library branch actually had a rave last year. A RAVE! But I never actually expected them to try something so radically different as planning an entire event about Christian romance! I know, it's mushy and gooey and saccharine sweet, but when did that become so wrong? Romance writing isn't for everyone, but it is for a lot of people and they certainly deserve to have books written for them. Sometimes it's not the ultimate outcome of a book that matters but the journey itself. I like seeing how the hero and heroine get together. Knowing they'll get together is superfluous to the journey.

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Worry need not apply. . .

Do you ever feel like you're beating your head against a desk? Frustration is just building over so many things? Does running screaming from the room sound like a viable plan? Well, here's where we should talk. As human beings, we have a propensity to blow certain things out of proportion. To think more of a situation than it fully deserves and therefore pile stress upon unnecessary stress onto our already full plates. Believe me. I know. This is my life about 6 months out of the year, if we plan for 2 weeks every month. I'm a worrier. I worry about what people think of me. I worry about whether I'm doing my job right. I worry about school, about home, about work, about play. And to top that off, sometimes I worry about things where a simple word to someone higher up in the workplace would solve the entire problem!

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Musings of an Introvert

As we welcome the new year, I've realized just how much has happened over the past year that I hadn't planned on. I was promoted at work to a completely different branch library and a totally different position. Lots of new and fun learning experiences there, plus lots of new responsibilities. I started classes at a new university, this one a Christian university out east (online) that I really, really love. I hadn't realized just how much I yearned to be in a Christian learning environment until I was actually in one.

Most of all, I realized that I'm actually an introvert. What's more, that introverted side of me is becoming stronger now that I realize it's actually there. There's a board game night at a local church on New Year's Eve. Caitlin's planning to go with a young coworker of hers, also named Kaitlyn. I'm invited too but I have absolutely no inclination to go. Which has me wondering if my being this introverted is actually a bad thing. I've always been shy at social events with people I don't know. It's hard on me emotionally and my conversation skills fly right out the window.

Yet, despite my thoughts that this is actually a bad thing, I'm not unhappy in my introvertedness.

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When life gives you lemons . . .

There are just some things you can never predict. Take today, for example. I woke up this morning only to find that one of the tires on my car had sprung a slow leak. This also happens to be the day where it's a bit of a challenge getting everyone to work with just three cars and four family members. My only option was to head to Pep Boys where, thankfully, my Dad had already called ahead to let them know I was coming. Mom is going to pick up my sister and take her to work on her lunch hour and the lovely folk at Pep Boys let me drive my car to work and then they drove it back to get the tired fixed or replaced.

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Attributes of the Wind

The wind is a very deceitful characteristic of nature. A day, much like today, can look sunny and warm outside. From behind the curved windows of the library, I could assume that the temperature is well up into the 50s or even 60s. It's such a beautiful day. But, when I went outside for lunch, I discovered that seemingly beautiful day was actually 30 degrees or lower. It wasn't what it seemed and made me grateful that my mom, who had come up to join me for lunch, was sweet enough to grab my coat from the car so I wouldn't freeze. That appearance of a warm and beautiful day deceived me and became a cold day. In so many ways, humans exemplify this very characteristic, being something other than what they seem. It's called the hidden nature of sin.

People intrigue me too, just like the wind that lowers the temperature in the winter. Working in a library I encounter a lot of windy people. You can never judge how someone will behave just by their outward appearance. Someone might look like a wonderful and sweet person, but they could be having a really rotten day and before you know it, you've become another victim of that bad day. Or, and more likely, a person has interests you would never expect. It's funny how those little hobbies or private sins can be so well concealed. That is, until I shelve someone's holds and find myself blown away that anyone would ever read that book, let alone the adorable young teenager in a Mickey Mouse t-shirt and distressed jeans. Does her family know? She probably thinks no one ever notices or even cares that she's reading something that raises eyebrows.

I've been in that exact some situation before. I've got those same bad habits that would shock some people. They look at my smile and blue eyes and never imagine the temptations I struggle with beneath the surface. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love anime and manga. You could even call me obsessed. That said, there is a little something known as Shonen Ai, which means a mild perceived attraction between boys. It's not ever to the point of romance, but just questionably close attachments. If it arose in a show I watched myself sometimes, well, was that wrong?

Turns out that, YEAH, there was something seriously wrong! My last anime club meeting brought up some ugly truths. Our lone male attendee was absent and that absence gave certain of my female members a bit of freedom to discuss their alternative manga and anime loves. One of those loves is Yaoi, meaning full-bore boy x boy relationships that had me literally quavering in my boots in discomfort. Firstly because it made my other girls uncomfortable and secondly, because Yaoi is only about two steps farther down the road than Shonen Ai which even I occasionally watched. Yikes!

These are seemingly normal and healthy young women, yet their fascination with Yaoi and Shonen Ai had them pairing boys together in their fantasies and even in their cosplay outfits where they all dressed as boys. It was like I had gotten walloped over the head with a truly blunt object, probably the holiness of God. Why? Because my ignorant watching of Shonen Ai was not nearly as innocent as I had originally perceived. These girls are sweet and charming, yet this secret sin of the heart is slowly corrupting them. It looks like it's a balmy 60 degrees in their hearts but it's actually a frigid 30 degrees! Their minds are now totally twisted with thoughts of romance between boys so they have no real interest in any guys of their own, just guys together. How is that healthy?

Needless to say I've chopped any and all Shonen Ai from my anime and manga. Series have been sent back completely unwatched and books have had their holds canceled before I could be even tempted to read them. Why? Because we are called to keep our minds holy. It doesn't matter than Shonen Ai is so very mild. What does matter is that the prick of conscience can become dulled by this mild attraction and that might lead down the road to worse things! The Lord has cleansed His children of sin but that doesn't mean we'll never be tempted again. But Christ still promises us that we will never be tempted beyond what we can bear, which literally means I will survive without the small amount of Shonen Ai I had allowed in my life.

Can you see the connection between the hidden effects of the chilling wind and the hidden effects of sin in our lives? Both shock us at first with that initial impact. But as we grow accustomed to the cold wind it numbs us and the impact lessens until we hardly feel it. Usually this comes right before unconsciousness and then death. Sin is exactly the same way. It lowers our standards and we find ourselves compromising in our thrill-seeking journey. That private sin grows and grows until all we want to do is indulge that sin! Fortunately for us, the Lord sends little wake-up calls like the one I experienced.

I might love my anime and manga, but this experience made me realize how careful I must be. This genre is just like any other genre. Some stuff is appropriate for Christians and some stuff isn't and we need to be discerning what to put in our minds. I don't want to become accustomed to the cold wind that occasionally sweeps through my life. I want to be sensitive to it and realize that it's there to prick my conscience and send me in the opposite direction. I thank God that sin NEVER attacks us without a prick of conscience!

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