Poor Kenneth Branagh.
When I started the 2022 version of Death on the Nile, I was so hopeful for a good adaptation.
I mean, I know not everybody enjoyed his version of Murder on the Orient Express, but I really did. I felt like what was changed wasn't anything major, and it really felt like it was just telling the story without any sort of emotional additions that can happen.
I was thinking about it after I'd finished the 2022 Death on the Nile tonight, and I realized that the strangest thing happened.
While being a huge fan of David Suchet's performance as Hercule Poirot, I do not like the emotionalism and the moral conflict that he goes through in his version of Murder on the Orient Express. It is my least favorite version because it adds drama where it's not needed and where it was not in the original story by having Poirot be so conflicted about convicting murderers.
And that's probably why I loved Kenneth Branagh's version, because it pretty much is just, "here's the story, do with it what you will."
The reverse happened with Death on the Nile.
I absolutely love not only Agatha Christie's original novel, but also David Suchet's movie of Death on the Nile. I think it is brilliantly filmed on location, in Egypt, with actual monuments and landmarks.
The casting was brilliant. You really can't beat Frances de la Tour, and I love that she played a major part in that story.
Then you have the 2022 Death on the Nile, and I actually forced myself to watch the entire thing start to finish.
I genuinely hated it.
And I hated it from the very beginning because I do not for one second believe that Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot has a mustache because he has a scar from World War I.
That theory is absurd and does not accurately represent Hercule Poirot, who is simply a fastidious and vain little peacock of a man. He has a mustache because it is important to his vanity. He has it because he loves it. He doesn't have it simply because he's hiding a scar.
So unfortunately the movie started off on the wrong foot for me.
And then of course you run into the issue of filming a movie called Death on the Nile, and you are not doing it on location, but almost entirely on a soundstage somewhere and using CGI to create the exotic location. That is almost a crime against Agatha Christie.
I mean, I have seen multiple versions at this point of Death on the Nile. Peter Ustinov's is also quite excellent, I would say. My favorite is the one with David Suchet. But what do those two films both have in common? It is that they were filmed on location in Egypt, on an actual boat on the Nile River.
Another issue are the 2019/2020 special effects that are, unfortunately, aging very badly. They make the film feel shiny and fake, where that would not be a problem if it had simply, say it with me, been filmed on location!
I understand that they were going for opulence and grandiose scope. I tend to be of the mindset that opulence begins with authenticity. And so filming on location would have done much more for the story than a soundstage could ever do.
And speaking of the soundstage and the set, it's quite ghastly.
It's garish and modern in a way that is kind of jarring.
I don't believe for one second that they're on a riverboat cruise in the 1930s.
The riverboat just feels like it's too much, if that makes sense. It was overdone.
So, so far we have two things. One, the history of Poirot's mustache that is not accurate to Agatha Christie. And two, the lack of filming in Egypt and the fake pomposity of the set.
Another issue that I unfortunately have is the absurdity that everyone is on this river cruise to celebrate the newlyweds. I realize that it feels strange to have coincidences in terms of however many degrees of separation are between the main characters and the secondary characters. So it feels strange if people are accidentally on the same cruise and have connections.
But that is how Agatha Christie wrote her books.
Sometimes, like on Murder on the Orient Express, yes, everybody is actually in cahoots. Sometimes they are not.
And so the idea that this is one gigantic wedding party gone awry is just a very peculiar approach.
This is going to sound very prudish of me, but there was no need at all for the hypersexualization of the romance, the love triangle as it were.
We didn't need that. The audience did not need that.
We did not need to see **** dancing in what is supposedly supposed to be a 1930s kind of nightclub. I mean, if it's a low dive, maybe.
But if that is the case, then may I also ask why someone of Linnet's reputation and standing would be there in the first place?
I mean, I'm sure that she lives life the way she wants to, but the audience did not need to see it.
It made the story feel extremely cheap.
I won't go into the casting choices for the 2022 Death on the Nile because I think it's overall unnecessary.
We already know the scandal surrounding Armie Hammer and Russell Brand. We don't need to hash it out again.
It's just extremely unfortunate that the film was impacted so negatively because I know it was.
My dislike honestly had zero to do with either of those men or any of the other cast members and everything to do with the fact that it is a rubbish adaptation of Agatha Christie's novel.
I respect Kenneth Branagh as a director. I have seen films that he has done which are excellent.
As I said, I like his Murder on the Orient Express. I like it the best of any adaptations that I've seen, and that's saying something.
I really wish that I had loved his Death on the Nile.
I wish that it had been different.
I wish that the screenwriter had approached it differently.
I wish that Kenneth Branagh had approached it differently.
But that isn't where we ended up.
So I'm glad I watched it, because at least now I can say with certainty that it is a rubbish adaptation of a brilliant Agatha Christie novel.
I don't care how pretty it is or how many beautiful people it has starring in it.
A rubbish adaptation is a rubbish adaptation.