It's totally weird that I'm getting page views from something called "The Tao of Badass." Not that I'm complaining, but really? I appreciate the views, but I'd much rather the people who would actually enjoy reading what I write find my blog instead of having it thrust upon them as an ad.
Anyhoo, in the same continuation as last night, I had lunch with my 68-year-old friend today. She's my volunteer for the library on Tuesday mornings, helping me process incoming holds, so we usually have lunch together afterwards. This time we packed lunch, one of my sweetest coworkers was also in the breakroom, so we all had lunch together, talking the Kindle Fire and the Royal Family's new baby (I'm full to the brim with news on Kate), and it was fun.
You, or rather I, really miss out on a lot by being afraid to connect with people because they might die. It's probably the worst thing in the world for someone with my personality type to be afraid to care. ISFJ's are genetically geered towards caring so when we try to turn it off, it's like our happiness shrinks. I'm so much nicer in general when I'm not worried about getting too close to someone. I suppose it doesn't help that I made friends with the library's security guard only to have an all-out war ensue between him and the bosses. It got ugly real fast and I heard complaints from both sides. It was hard because I really like both sides. So, he's gone now and I feel like I gave my friendship to someone who didn't deserve it, or used me falsely. It's a feeling of abandonment. I'm the same way when people move to another city or state or if they get a new job.
This is where faith has to take a role. I'll never be able to trust anyone entirely if I don't let myself genuinely care. I don't want to be that woman who pretends to care. So, practically speaking, what can one do to change the insincere facade? A couple of walls are going to have to come crumbling down. I can't change being an introvert and needing time to rejuvenate, but I can chance how often I contact people and for what reasons. I tend to vanish for weeks at a time, as some of my readers are aware. It's not really a lack of caring, at least I hope not, but it's a subconscious attempt at not getting too close to someone I might lose. If I want to be treated with kindness and affection, I need to offer the same in return. It's a give and take of equality in any friendship. I wonder when this fear took root? I'm sure it started out small but before I knew it, I'd become very afraid of making new connections. And that's not how the Lord wants any of us to live.
Do you know that verse in 2 Timothy? It reads "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." The original Greek for fear in this context is "deilias" which means cowardice. Because the fear I succomb to is a form of cowardice, a lack of courage. God's already won the battle for me, but I still tary with deilias. Maybe I need to spend a few hours crying over things. Because tears is something I try to avoid at all costs because I think it makes me look weak. But really, those tears are a way to release my fear, my cowardice to the Lord.
In Aragorn's words, "What say you?" What types of fears do you harbor? Do you feel the same about connections as I do, or is your fear of a different sort? I need to engrave 2 Timothy 1:7 on my heart because it reflects the utmost truth of what I experience every day of my life.
You do disappear, but at least now I understand why. For me, there's no real in-between -- either I form intense relationships or none at all! There's only a handful of people I really care about seeing much at all. I don't want everyone else to DIE, but I don't miss them if I'm not around them.
ReplyDeleteI used to think the best way to avoid pain was avoiding people. If you don't make friends with them, they can't die on you, or hurt you by leaving you behind, or make you suffer because they forgot about you. But... that would mean living a life totally alone, and that would suck. Sam needed Frodo. Frodo needed Sam. Friends are good for us, and fortunately as believers, we know that even if we're parted in this world...
I GET TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH YOU!!! :D
*laughs* I'm glad you don't want everyone else to die! But I admit, there are times when I just wish I didn't have to see certain people. They wear me out and I keep wishing I could change that part of me. Maybe I can change it, little by little, with trying.
DeleteI took one of my dear coworkers to lunch on Friday and then we went shopping. She's become a really good friend, and we have done some stuff outside of work. But this was a sad meeting because she's moving to Nashville in a week for three years of school. And as soon as I closed the door after giving her a final good-bye hug, I burst into tears on my mother's shoulder. That was so freakin' hard! But it also felt like I was experiencing life instead of hiding from it, and I realize it's not such a bad thing to cry because you're going to miss someone. Afterwards I felt better, and that's the telling sign of healing.
Heaven will be awesome!!