Desiring a Husband but no Kids

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It seems to be a controversial statement in conservative Christian culture to want a husband, but not want kids.

My primary response to people who are upset at the concept is "why do you care?!"

It actually is my body, and I do have my own personal reasons for why I don't want kids, my age being foremost in my mind now since I've turned 40. I believe it's called a geriatric pregnancy at my age and . . . no thanks, nothing about that sounds like a healthy idea for myself or for potential offspring.

But I do not think that my lack of desire for children should EXCLUDE me from desiring a husband!

I have always been an extremely affectionate and playful person with people I trust and am fond of. I love touching and hugging and snuggling and all the things, and, forgive me, but I would love to do those things with a husband without the added pressure of "I'm doing it with the hope of bringing children into the world someday." I'm sorry, am I not enough as a partner for you? I want to do those things because they feel good to both of us, not because there's additional expectations.

There is a lot of pressure put on women like me, and by me, I mean Christian women who are sensual by nature and want to share that side of themselves with someone without the offspring string attached. Can't I just want that relationship for me? But no, it seems like it's considered selfish in mainstream Christianity to desire a sexual relationship with a man without the expectation of children. As if the thought is, if you don't want kids, why do you want a husband? Ummm, because I do. Isn't that enough?

Turning 40 has been a milestone. I didn't cry or get overly emotional at putting my young adulthood behind me. Instead, it's helped me realize there are things I want in life. Like, a healthier lifestyle concerning my weight. I'm confident when I work out and eat better and weigh less. It's my reality and it's what I'm extremely proud to be working towards. I want that both for myself and for a potential mate because I know what I find attractive in a man and I would like him to find me attractive too. Our relationship would not be cemented together by children so there would need to be other incentives and reasons for why we're together.

And yes, while I want a husband who is a believer, I am not going to settle for a man whose personality type is literally "Evangelical Christian" and there is nothing interesting about him. That was my problem when I was in youth group and young adult groups in church. The guys weren't INTERESTING because all they talked about was purity and Christ, skiing and football, and, I'm sorry, to me that is boring. It was boring to me then, even though I didn't say so out loud or even really allow myself to think it, and it is incredibly boring to me now. Surely not all of them really wanted to be youth pastors and worship leaders!

It does my heart an incredible amount of good to see Christian parents with their kiddos in church together, worshipping and listening to the pastor and just spending quality time. I am so happy that these family units exist because they are so important. I just wish I felt accepted as a Christian woman who realllllllllllllllllllly wants to be a part of an A+B relationship but without C thrown in.

This rant went a little long, oh well. This is what happens when I go online and find young Christian conservative women in their twenties waxing profound on what it should mean to be a woman, including the maternal instinct, and that if you don't want kids now, you will someday. Sorry, but that box doesn't fit me. And I should still be allowed to find a husband who loves me for me, not for the offspring I can give him.

This post might seem harsh, especially since I haven't posted in so long. But it is genuinely how I feel from my perspective. And I'm not sorry.

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Paid Vacation Days: Finland vs. the US

Oh my gosh, America is so bad at this! I'm now appalled that the US government doesn't have mandatory paid vacation days. 

In case you're wondering what I'm talking about, here's the gist.

Both Finland and Sweden employed persons are allotted between 5 and 6 WEEKS of paid vacation time every year. This vacation time is mandatory, and to that I say, yes please, absolutely require me to take time off to spend with my family, to travel, to rest, and STILL GET PAID FOR IT. 

Whatever it is the US is doing, they're doing it wrong. There's a federal law somewhere that needs to be either created or changed to require employers to provide their staff with at least 5 weeks per year of paid vacation time. 

Just think of the mental health benefits?! If you want to take a month long trip to Europe with your family, you can do it because you're still being paid and you have job security. 

I'm sure there's a reason why the Finnish government has such labor laws in place, and there is undoubtedly a cost to the citizens of some sort, but again, I don't care. There can be a cost if it means that I'm allowed time to rest and just enjoy my house, my garden, my books, and a trip around the world all as part of a mandatory paid vacation.

The reason I'm starting to feel this lack keenly was the 5 months I spent last year out of work on severance pay. It was glorious. I enjoy working and I enjoy my new job, but I am frustrated because I am currently just a "temporary" employee which means even though I'm full-time, I have no paid time off benefits. No PTO, zip. So if I want to take time off, I will not be paid for it. I don't even get paid for official holidays so if we're closed on the 4th, sorry, I'm out of luck financially. That is the height of frustration and in Finland, that wouldn't happen.

If you work 35 hours or 14 days a month in Finland, you are eligible for your mandatory paid vacation leave of 25 days. It's the law. End of story. None of this temporary full-time worker with no benefits nonsense.

There is a growing mental health crisis and work burnout rate in the US. It's no wonder. Maybe instead of panicking over unbuilt border walls and who won what debate and whether a person's identity matches their birth sex, our politicians should consider ways to work together to get its citizens 5 or 6 weeks of mandatory paid leave. Take a page out of Sweden and Finland's books and I guarantee you that American citizens would be far better for it.

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Next steps

I interviewed for an entry level IT position today, at the same ministry where I worked previously. Both gentlemen were engaging and warm types of individuals, so that was terrific to encounter. I wasn't nervous at all and we had a solid conversation going. I'm not sure what will happen, but I am very pleased with my interview and am grateful to have had the opportunity. Let me reiterate again in case I haven't said it enough. I love the ministry where I've worked for almost a decade. I want to continue to work for them. Just not in the position I held prior or for the department I previously worked with. IT would be a completely different set of management and if what I saw in the interview is indicative of the trend for management styles in IT, then I think it's a positive working environment.

I don't believe in crossing my fingers for anything, but I do believe that this situation is in God's hands and if I'm meant to start a career in IT, then it will happen.

Meanwhile, the data entry team of people at my local pro-life pregnancy center have been tons of fun to work with. We're a diverse group of ages, which I prefer, and all of our youngsters are college boys. Those conversations are lots of fun to be a part of and also very interesting. It's easy to lose confidence and hope based on what you see as trending on Twitter or TikTok. But these young men, almost boys, are passionate Christians who want to serve the Lord in all seriousness. They're also crazy fun to talk to. So it's been a really lovely experience for the last week and a half. It was also nice to have additional income on top of my severance. And now I consider myself trained on the Etapestry data software system so that's cool.

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An overcast day in Colorado

We'd had an abundance of rain in Colorado for the last few weeks and it's turned our usually brown plants a very nice and lush green. It's not quite like Oregon, but it's still close enough that I'm enjoying the weather patterns right now. For those who don't know. I spent 6 of my childhood years on the Oregon coast, so I'm very familiar with wet and rainy weather. Folks in Colorado aren't accustomed to it so I can see a little emotional strain happening with all of the cloud cover.

I spent a good portion of the day today with my mother. We went to a local tea house that is owned and operated by a couple of Christian ladies. If you're ever in Colorado Springs, I highly recommend you checking out Festivitea. They have their own delicious tea blends and you have the freedom to be spontaneous because reservations aren't required for a basic cream tea. The cost is about $10 for a small pot of tea and a scone. The scones are very much American style, which is fine, and they're quite tasty. They do book full teas as well, but those require reservations. 

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Welcome to 2023!

Yes, things were sporadic last year, for a variety of personal reasons. It was not an easy year, by any means, but there is a somewhat brighter outlook right now so I'm making plans for this blog that you can count on going forward.

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Self-Care: Staying at Glen Eyrie

Photo Credit: Not Mine

I am doing something for myself that I have literally never done before. I've dreamed of it, hoped to do it, but never actually acted on it. I am going to stay at Glen Eyrie Castle for three days.

All on my own. Alone, with no work obligations and next to no plans other than to just be at the Glen, walk the trails, and spend time reading (both Biblical and fictional), knitting, journaling, and listening to Orson Welles' radio plays in my beautiful Victorian room. 

You might consider my staying at Glen Eyrie to be Self Care: Step One. 

Glen Eyrie was the magnificent home of General William Jackson Palmer, the founder of Colorado Springs, and is a now a Christian retreat center owned by the Navigators. I stayed there once before for a writer's workshop, but found myself wishing, the entire time, that I was just there to stay at Glen Eyrie with no other plans or obligations. Now, I'm finally doing it.

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World Mental Health Day: Develop Relationships of High Acceptance

I'm sitting in front of my keyboard, pondering what exactly to write. I'm a little rusty, if you can't tell. The pandemic years were so difficult, in many ways, and I feel like even though I've started finding myself as a person, I lost some of the floweriness and bubbliness that I used in my writing. Or maybe that's something that just comes with age.

If there's one thing America does poorly, it's take time to rest. And when I say rest, I don't mean taking a day to try and get all the things done. Or taking a week to trot the kids to Disneyland. Because neither of those things are restful. Are they necessary and fun, yes, but restful, not in the slightest. But rest is what keeps mankind from breaking.

For me, my mental health isn't always the greatest. Exhaustion and boredom tend to go hand-in-hand with those days of emotional crisis where I just want to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. As an ISFP, boredom has a lot to do with it, and I'm aware of that aspect of it for myself now, more than I was before. So for me, caring for my mental health is a two-fold thing. One part is taking time to literally do nothing. Maybe read a book. Maybe watch one of my Asian dramas or a a movie in English so I can knit while watching. Maybe it's a combination of those things and then just sitting still and listening to absolutely nothing. I love the sound of silence. It's pure bliss. But, I can only do nothing for so long. The adventurous side of me needs trips up the mountain, or a drive further south, or even a day at the zoo to feel fully re-energized. Days of rest where there are no expectations and then a few days of fun are so crucial to my wellbeing.

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Homemade Coconut Pecan Cupcakes

My sister had 2 baking tries tonight, one a super weird fail and then this one, a rousing success. She went with her old standby 1950s Betty Crocker cookbook, changed up the flavorings,  and yum, delicious cupcakes with homemade vanilla frosting. My favorite thing about historic cupcake recipes is that the crumb has an amazing spring to it, which you can kind of see in the second photo. 

I wish I could invite you in for a cupcake. Blessings!

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Woodworms, barking dogs, The Lord of the Rings, and more

Garfield and I have so much in common. 

It's a blustery day in Colorado so I'm praying that we don't have any trees blow over. That happened right before Christmas with a terrible windstorm. A neighbor of ours lost 3 of their gorgeous trees, part of their fence, and a bit off their roof, so it was some intense wind.

Just a couple more brief life updates.

1) Dad's surgery is going ahead as planned, so that's happening next Tuesday. I know it'll be a long road to recovery but he's pretty tough so I'm not too concerned. And he knows the Lord so whatever will be, will be. He has to have surgery. There is no chance of this healing on its own and he would just continue to decline without it.

2) I had woodworms in a ledge in my bedroom. The gentleman who flipped our house took out the wood paneling along that wall so he must have replaced the ledge as well, but I'm guessing he got a piece that somehow had woodworms. Anyway, that's finally been taken care of. I had to order woodworm killer all the way from England since the US doesn't carry it (at least not that I found). And then I spent about a month feeling guilty at the idea of killing them so my sister finally had to do it for me. Bless her.

3) We had this one set of neighbors who were nice enough but did next to nothing to rein in their bored, barking dog. And they were right along our long fence so being outside was never a fun prospect because he would just bark at whoever was out there. Anyway, they moved! This last week. We weren't close to them so we didn't even know until one day they were there and the next they were gone. It's been blissfully quiet. Lots of houses on our street have dogs, but none of them are as ill-behaved as that one was. So I'm happy they're gone, but also hoping that their move was for positive reasons instead of negative ones. And now we're praying for our new neighbors, whoever they will be, that they're quiet, unassuming sort of people who own either strictly indoor cats or fish.

4) I purchased a new phone. My iPhone has been on its last legs for at least 7 months now, and I've just been forcing it along. I did switch to a Samsung though, and I'm a lot happier with it. The battery lasts so much longer, and I really like the design and format, although it did take some getting used to. One thing I'm not thrilled with is that the 30 or so Itunes that I purchased can't be played on my new phone. I knew Apple was proprietary but this is ridiculous. I won't make the mistake of purchasing anything from Apple again.

5) And finally, I've begun re-reading The Lord of the Rings. With everything happening in Europe, it seems the thing to do. You can read my post that compares Ukraine with the people of Rohan at Helm's Deep if you're interested. But the invasion of Ukraine aside, re-reading The Lord of the Rings is very like coming home. I love the movies and I always will, but the books are superior and The Fellowship of the Ring is my favorite because we spend so much time with the hobbits in The Shire and I love that. There is something spectacular about Tolkien's work that can never be accurately translated to the silver screen. It's timeless in a way that only the best classics are, and with every director wanting to put their own spin on every classic story out there, I'm finding that it's just better to read the books if you want the true story.

And there you have it. Yes, I've been watching Asian dramas (including some Thai dramas so that's been fun), but I don't have the energy to review them right now. I even have some reviews written but haven't snagged screenshots for the reviews and that just seems like too much work. *sighs* I should at least post my review for Buzzer Beat. I need to have one Yamapi drama review on my blog or how can I call myself a fan? I've been watching his drama from 2006 called Kurosagi, which literally translated means The Black Swindler. He's a swindler who eats (or takes down) other swindlers, kind of like a Robin Hood character. And apart from the absurd love triangle thing that cropped up halfway through the series, it's really very, very good. And I can now say that I've seen Yamapi with facial hair (albeit fake) and I hope to never see that again. *internal shudder*

I hope all is well with all of you. May you be blessed this week. ♥

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Work Changes, family update, and overall restlessness

 

I don't know about all of you, but exhaustion seems to be the order of the day for me. Part of it is the continued reality of Covid and how it is has changed the emotional landscape of all our lives. Now, a large portion of it is the invasion of Ukraine. As you already know, yes, I am in support of Ukraine in this conflict. I can't be anything else. I have an issue with unprovoked invasion. In the words of Captain America, "I don't like bullies." So you'll find sunflowers in a lot of pictures in my new blog posts, just because we can't be allowed to forget what is going on. I also just made a post on Ukraine using Rohan from The Lord of the Rings as an example of what's going on, so you can read that if you want.

But, both the war in Ukraine and the ongoing pandemic aside, a lot has happened in my personal life recently.

FIRST, my new supervisor of less than a year got a new job. I'm happy for her, but her new role came at a highly inconvenient time because of a software rollout we're undergoing. It just happened today, actually, the rollout, and so far, so good. But the last 10 days have been my team trying to ensure that all of the procedures, templates, knowledgebase articles, are all updated with this software change so the departments we serve are equipped. It's been one of the most tiring and stressful experiences I've had since I started this job.

Do I resent her job change? No, but I do resent the timing. 

Thankfully, we pulled through as a team and got everything done. I did work 10 hours yesterday, though, so that has compounded the exhaustion.

SECOND, my dad's having spine surgery at the end of March. It's actually a great thing because he's been having increasing weakness in his legs that are a result of pinched nerves and things in his lower spine. So they're going to go in and unpinch them. He's only 70 so he should have a good many years left in him, but he should have a good quality of life and he can't have that if he can barely walk due to this nerve issue.

So yeah, that's going to happen. I think it'll probably hit me that he's going in for major surgery as the date gets closer. I've been praying for him for weeks, now, as the symptoms worsened, and now it helps to have a solution to what's happening. His surgeon has a stellar reputation, so that's a bonus. But it's definitely been added anxiety.

THIRD, I'm kinda falling out of love with Colorado. That might seem like a minor thing, but it's really not. I'll have been here for 24 years this upcoming October. So it's pretty huge to not love the state where I live. I still love the location because it's beautiful. But, my biggest issue seems to be the people. Now, I don't know if that's more of a "me" issue, but I do know there's been a demographic shift in the last several years, an increase in crime to the point where my sister and I hate going out at night, and there's also street-racing. We had one come down our residential street several months ago, and we live 5 streets away from a main thoroughfare so that should not have happened.

We have to stay at least 5 years so my sister gets fully vested in her pension at her current workplace. But neither she nor I really want to stay here long-term anymore. What does that look like? No clue, but we'll see what happens. Fortunately, our new house is already accruing in value since it is Colorado so I suspect that when we go to sell, unless there's a huge downturn, we'll make a nice amount off it, enough to let us begin again in a less expensive place.

My job can go with me since I can work remotely. Or, maybe I'll find something new to do. Something with books again. Because I miss that.

Who knows, maybe this is just me hitting midlife crisis early. Do women even experience a midlife crisis? It's always seemed like more of a thing that men go through vs. women. All I know is that this restlessness I'm feeling doesn't seem to be going away. I look out the window at my job, right at the Rocky Mountains, and I wish I was on the other side of it. A different view, if that makes sense. The only problem with that mindset is that I'll always be taking "me" with me, so if the issue really is that I just need to deal with restlessness then moving somewhere else won't fix that. The restlessness will just follow me until I figure out why I've got it and deal with it.

So, yeah, there are just a few things going on and a lot in my head and in the world right now.

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Welcome to the Library

 

We knew we needed 4 rooms.

Two bedrooms, a craft room, and finally, a room for a personal library.

While it might not be quite as grand as the Beast's library in Beauty and the Beast (that's our ultimate goal someday), it's still pretty awesome. This room had built-in shelves against one wall, the clincher as it were for us to really want this house.

As you can tell, we needed more bookcases (and will need more sooner rather than later).

We purchased the tv console right after the pandemic started last year because we had a gas fireplace at our apartment and this fit perfectly right in front of it. But we knew we wanted it in the library, so we purchased a fireplace log insert. It even has a heater, but mostly we use it for ambiance.

When the time comes, we'll pull the chairs away from the wall a little bit and add a couple more short white bookcases behind the chairs. The magazine holder has our Tea Time and Victoria issues.

That's it for now. We don't have the art wall up yet, but will at some point in the next week or so and then I'll share photos of it too. Blessings!

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House Update

Our backyard as summer turns to fall (my sister's herb garden is on the right, with a little extra Halloween decor)

Oh my goodness, so many things have happened in the last few months.

As you all know, my sister and I purchased a house. We closed on August 31st and moved on September 10th.

Then, on the 17th, our parents moved in with us.

They had an opportunity to sell their home with no muss or fuss and downsize into a darling little patio home that is around 8 minutes away from our house. The only thing is there was a timing discrepancy, so for 19 days, they lived with us, or rather, slept in their trailer that is on the parking pad next to our garage, and spent their days in our house. We had a tower of their belongings in our garage. They closed on their new home without any issues, had the interior painted by the same painter who did a wonderful job on our home, and moved into their home on October 5th, just a few short days ago.

I would never recommend moving 2 households in the same month, but God was extremely gracious and blessed us mightily during this time.

My sister and I are possibly 75% finished with the unpacking and organizing. It's organized enough that it is starting to feel like home. Our neighborhood is charming, our home is 50 years old, and we are both relieved to no longer be living in an apartment complex that made our neighbor flinch in horror when we mentioned it. He is a police officer and has been called to that very same complex many, many times. I'm not surprised, it was a rather dreadful little complex in many ways, but we never felt unsafe because we are careful. As two single women, we have to be careful and so we take precautions.

The cats are adjusting, although Kiki thought for weeks that the furnace was a monster rising up out of the floor to eat her. She was used to heating vents in the ceiling, not the floor. But all is well. As soon as our private library is finished, possibly this weekend, I'll take pictures and share them. The books are mostly organized, but there are still a few more things that need to be done, such as hanging the artwork.

We're trying to decide if we want to host a Halloween party for our friends this year or not. I strained my left arm/wrist/hand somehow so have to be careful with how much physical activity I do with that arm. But we have nearly all of the supplies and decor needed for a Halloween party since we had planned one for last year that never got off the ground due to, well, you know what. 

Adjusting is the order of the day but also taking the time for self care and soul care, two crucial elements for any person, although most people don't know that soul care is an actual thing. Whenever I turn irritable and rebellious, it is because I am not feeding my soul, or because I am engaging in thoughts and activities that are detrimental to my soul. The soul is meant to be in communion with God, and when it is not communing the way it should, well, the entirety of my personality becomes misaligned. So I am making time for both of these things.

Last Thursday night I took a bath instead of a shower for some self-care and also read some in C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain for some soul-care. Sometimes I can manage to do both things at the same time, which is probably why I feel calm and peaceful the day whenever I take time for the Lord. I encourage you to do the same.

I will share more when time permits. I'm excited to share our personal library, a dream we've both always had, but never entirely believed would come true.

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When the next two months look like a form of CRAZY

It's crazy how so many things seem to happen all at once. Like, if you're banking on one important thing happening, then likely at least one more, and possibly two will happen at roughly the same time.

The last time this happened was when I was going to college full-time, working part-time, and also in a local theatrical production of Pride and Prejudice as Charlotte Lucas. I ended up having a complete break-down at work, my mother being called by my concerned supervisor, and taking three days off in addition to having the weekend. It let me get caught up on sleep (that was a luxury during those few months of that play), and schoolwork, and then I was able to recover and be much more myself.

Thankfully, the crazy isn't that bad this time around, but I am also far more aware of my limitations than I was 10 years ago. When I need to step away from my job for a few hours, I do it. My job thankfully has that type of flexibility to allow me that luxury.

What's going on, you might ask?

Two things.

First, an updated system rollout for my workplace, switching entirely from an older version of software to a newer version. It looks and operates completely differently. Why does this affect me? Because I write the procedures for the processing department. That's my job, and I'm very good at it, and I have a team to support me and who I support when they need it. So that's all awesome. But it's still exhausting and intimidating sometimes when rollout after rollout keeps coming and my brain wants to go into overload. Especially if I'm only given a day to prep for something.

Second, my sister and I are buying a house. We close on August 31st. It's a charming home, all recently remodeled, and just perfectly suited to us. Even the neighborhood feels well-manicured and calm. We're so thankful to be moving out of the apartment lifestyle. BUT, the idea of moving and getting all the paperwork signed and not forgetting anything brings its own set of challenges and stressors.

I would give anything to blink and find that we're at the end of September and everything is finished and life is calm and we're making our first house payment instead of paying rent. But that's not reality. So until then, I'm taking deep breaths, throwing prayers God's way knowing that He'll catch them, and just remember to steal some downtime when I can. And push my sister to do the same. Nobody needs downtime more than her especially since her workplace has returned to the staff wearing facemasks. It's exhausting for her.

If you think of it, say a prayer that the next few months go smoothly. I hope I don't sound like I'm griping because that's really not my intention. Everything that's happening is wonderful, including the software update. It's just that it's all happening at once that is creating that added layer of crazy to our otherwise smooth-sailing lives.

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Feeding the Inner Woman in 2018

Aye me, what a long week. 

While I love working for a non-profit, year end can be positively exhausting because that's when the final donations come pouring in. It's terrific that people give because they can use the giving for tax purposes, but still, why wait until the last day of the year? Now we're finishing up year end reconciliation which means processing everything from 2017 that might possibly be left. Still, that should be finished by the 10th and then I pray we can heave sighs of relief for at least a little while. The life of those in data entry.

The apartment hunting is currently on hold for a few months, which might actually mean I'll be buying a condo instead, which would be lovely. I'd prefer to buy rather than rent anyway. At least then your money is going to purchase something. My focus instead is to pour as much of my paycheck as physically possible into my savings account. By the time April rolls around my savings should be back to where I want it.

Do any of you make New Years resolutions?

I only ask because I rarely make them in the form of a physical list or anything. Instead I think of something I've been wanting to accomplish and for whatever reason simply haven't followed through on. It's never something that made it to a list of resolutions, like losing weight or exercising more or cleaning out the refrigerator every two weeks.

Instead it's just usually something that will end up doing my soul good. Or my spirit good, whichever word you prefer.

This year I have two things on this list that will do my inner woman good: read as much of C.S. Lewis' nonfiction as I can and read through the entire Bible (something I am ashamed to say that I have never done).

I'm starting my Lewis reading by actually listening to Focus on the Family's radio presentation of C.S. Lewis at War. For any bibliophiles or anglophiles out there, it stars Jeremy Northam (Mr. Knightley) as Lewis and he does a stupendous job portraying the great author and theologian.

Next I'll read The Problem of Pain, a little book that I anticipate will pack a lot of meat for my tired and careworn spirit. Then I'll just go on from there, maybe posting random thoughts on nourishing spirituality that I might find, or keeping them as little nuggets to myself. We'll see.

As for reading the Bible, I really don't think that needs much introduction. Except to say that I'm using the Charles Swindoll Bible Reading Plan. It starts me off in Genesis (reading several chapters a day) and the Psalms. They're weekly reading plans for 5 days so you have Saturday and Sunday off and I've made it one week so far. I do love reading the Old Testament if simply because these people remind me that God's followers have never been perfect.

May your new year be full of spiritual fruit and contentment. Books, knitting, and cat snuggling will be in my year along with anything the Lord might toss my way. As always, He will be faithful no matter what comes. Blessings!

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Thank goodness it's 2018!

I'm one step closer to renting an apartment. Caitlin and I are touring an apartment tomorrow at a complex that really interests us. My sister is a good judge of character and she feels the assistant manager is an honest and forthright woman. I admit that I liked her a lot too. Not that she couldn't turn out to be a Patrick Jane in disguise, but still, the chances of that are really slim.

One potential hiccup to our plans to move right away is my car. It had some, shall we say, issues tonight. It's likely either the battery, battery terminals, or the alternator. None of which are very expensive, but there's always the possibility it's something bigger and therefore has larger charges attached to it. I'm praying for just a simple and easy fix. I'd hate to put off moving because I needed to pour $1,000 into my car unexpectedly.

Car troubles aside, it's been fun to plan a move with my sister. She's already bought 2 filing cabinets to house the family genealogy (she's the history major in the family), and now we're talking dining room suites and end table vs. coffee table for the living room. We already have most of the living room furniture already, thank goodness.

The only real thing I have my heart set on is hanging battery powered candles from the ceiling.

I know, it sounds crazy, but most Harry Potter fans are at least a little bit crazy. It comes with the territory. See, we hosted a Harry Potter dinner party back in May of last year and we hung candles from the ceiling over the dining room table. It was gorgeous, but only temporary. I'd like to have a much more permanent fixture in place. The apartment we're looking at tomorrow is all gung-ho about letting its residents hang stuff on the walls and the ceilings. That's another plus in my book.

It's just the 2nd day of 2018 and already I'm kind of wishing I were 2 more weeks into the new year. By then I'd either be moving into the apartment we're looking at tomorrow or we'd be looking at a different complex. I'd know what's going on with my car and either have it fixed already or in for repairs. My raise would have come into effect at work, and maybe, just maybe, the breakfast smoothies would be starting to have a slimming affect on my waistline.

But alas, no. Instead, I must wait. Why is it that waiting is always so darn hard? And it takes for bloody ever! Oh Lord, help me to cherish each moment as it comes. Every day is a day that I will never live again, ripe with possibilities to do Your good work. Help me to not get so worked up at moving forward that I stop seeing the forest for the trees. Amen.

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Peace be with You

The stockings and gifts are opened, Christmas brunch has been eaten, the cats are in a catnip coma, and the prime rib is coming to room temperature.

Now I can sit at my computer for a few minutes, listening to Andy Williams' Christmas album, and just reflect. As I've already mentioned, it's been a tough year. A year of weariness and emotional upheaval and uncertainty. Have you ever experienced that feeling of being always off-balance? Of never knowing where you're going to land and whether there's safe harbor? That's been me, this last year.

But sitting here, musing on Christmas day, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for this one last Christmas with my family the way it's always been. Next year will be different. I'm going to be in a home of my own, and likely my sister will either join me or she'll get a place of her own.

I'm reminded of Virginia Woolf, in a way. I'm a single woman with a successful job. If I'm going to make anything of my writing and of my faith, then I need a room, or in this case a home, of my own. All the uncertainty of the past year fades under that reality. My fear of change, of altering the traditional, has actually held me back in moving to the next level of my life. It's not so much about marriage and children, but growing into myself, becoming the woman I am meant to be.

Excitement flutters in me now when I think of having my own space. There's no room left for fear, only exultation that my time is coming. The Lord has opened many doors in my life before, and here is another one that it is nearly time to walk through.

Blessings to you all and Merry Christmas!

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I'm back and Merry Christmas!

My precious Bucky Boy enjoying his Christmas tree this year.

I look back over 2017 and a part of me thinks, “Wow, this year sucked.” There was a system transition at work that has yet to be completed even though we began in January 2017. Talk about wearing on the mind and soul.  I began battling a mild form of depression and started taking meds to combat it. This year has truly been a flux of up and down and back and forth; emotions whirling and friendships rising and ebbing a bit depending on my ability to interact.

But there’s another part of me, a somewhat larger part, that is now able to see quite a few of the blessings that have flowed my way in 2017. With the Lord’s help, I’ve finally overcome something I’ve struggled with for years. That’s the epitome of awesome, right there. My family traveled to Finland (our first major trip outside the country) and discovered family ties, ancestral land, and just an incredible culture of people that we never imagined experiencing. Finland is amazing and I love it with my whole heart and it connected a lot of the dots about my values and the pacing of my life. Apparently you don’t have to have been born in Finland to live a Scandinavian lifestyle.

Another thing I’ve learned, and I’m sorry it took this long to learn it, is that I should never try to change up important things when I’m in the middle of intense life experiences. Like this blog. I’m much more than just one thing, and while I deeply admire the people who are able to blog about just one thing, that’s not me. I can’t compartmentalize like that. I love classic films, but I’ll go for weeks, even months sometimes, without watching one. I love books, but heaven knows I don’t always want to sit down and review them. There are times when the books I read are too personal, too intimate to my soul, for me to really want to share. I write, I knit, I crochet, and I think, think, think, probably like the majority of people with “intellection” in their top 5 Strengths/Finders.

I tried to put myself in a box, format myself into what I thought others expected of me, but I can’t do that. I have to be free to be who I am. I love the Lord and I need to express that when the urge hits me. If I read a book that inspires me to talk about it, I need that freedom to write about it. It’s the same with movies and television, no matter the era. Travels and writings and craft projects may need to be shared.

All this is to say that after a hectic time of growth and stress and overcoming the loss of loved ones over the last couple of years, my blog is returning to Musings of an Introvert. This is what it should have been all along because that’s when it truly felt right to me and I was engaged with it. I know I’ve lost quite a few readers due to my hiatus and that’s okay. People come and go. But the intensity of my identity needs to be channeled somewhere and I always found blogging to be therapeutic when I did right.

To those of you have still have me in your blog rolls, thanks. I appreciate you and I missed you. And to any new readers that may crop up along the way, cool. We’ll find our way together. Merry Christmas!

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Give yourself permission to pursue your dreams

Memories shape our lives, sometimes even shape our futures if we let them. When I was in my early twenties, I was completely adrift. I'd graduated from high school, and didn't want to go to college. I talked myself into thinking that I didn't need it, that I could be equally as successful without it. In some cases, it's true that you can be successful without college, but not with me. Despite everything I said about not needing college, my not attending college weighed heavily on me. The lack of a college education was like a millstone tied to my ankle. And before anyone asks, no, my family never made me feel that way. They never acted like I was wasting my life because I was only working a part-time job and not going to college.

The final tipping point to action stemmed from the books I was reading at the time. I was a typical young Christian woman in her early twenties so I read a lot of Christian romance. Every time the heroine made a success of college I felt a pinprick of guilt. But it was Debra White Smith's book First Impressions that clinched it for me. The heroine, based off Jane Austen's Elizabeth Bennet, was a college graduate who was younger than me. I had waited 5 years out of high school, was now 23-years-old and Lizzie had surpassed me in her college success. I couldn't let that happen, and I couldn't live with myself knowing that I was letting an education slip through my fingers and swirl down the proverbial drain.

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