Desiring a Husband but no Kids

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It seems to be a controversial statement in conservative Christian culture to want a husband, but not want kids.

My primary response to people who are upset at the concept is "why do you care?!"

It actually is my body, and I do have my own personal reasons for why I don't want kids, my age being foremost in my mind now since I've turned 40. I believe it's called a geriatric pregnancy at my age and . . . no thanks, nothing about that sounds like a healthy idea for myself or for potential offspring.

But I do not think that my lack of desire for children should EXCLUDE me from desiring a husband!

I have always been an extremely affectionate and playful person with people I trust and am fond of. I love touching and hugging and snuggling and all the things, and, forgive me, but I would love to do those things with a husband without the added pressure of "I'm doing it with the hope of bringing children into the world someday." I'm sorry, am I not enough as a partner for you? I want to do those things because they feel good to both of us, not because there's additional expectations.

There is a lot of pressure put on women like me, and by me, I mean Christian women who are sensual by nature and want to share that side of themselves with someone without the offspring string attached. Can't I just want that relationship for me? But no, it seems like it's considered selfish in mainstream Christianity to desire a sexual relationship with a man without the expectation of children. As if the thought is, if you don't want kids, why do you want a husband? Ummm, because I do. Isn't that enough?

Turning 40 has been a milestone. I didn't cry or get overly emotional at putting my young adulthood behind me. Instead, it's helped me realize there are things I want in life. Like, a healthier lifestyle concerning my weight. I'm confident when I work out and eat better and weigh less. It's my reality and it's what I'm extremely proud to be working towards. I want that both for myself and for a potential mate because I know what I find attractive in a man and I would like him to find me attractive too. Our relationship would not be cemented together by children so there would need to be other incentives and reasons for why we're together.

And yes, while I want a husband who is a believer, I am not going to settle for a man whose personality type is literally "Evangelical Christian" and there is nothing interesting about him. That was my problem when I was in youth group and young adult groups in church. The guys weren't INTERESTING because all they talked about was purity and Christ, skiing and football, and, I'm sorry, to me that is boring. It was boring to me then, even though I didn't say so out loud or even really allow myself to think it, and it is incredibly boring to me now. Surely not all of them really wanted to be youth pastors and worship leaders!

It does my heart an incredible amount of good to see Christian parents with their kiddos in church together, worshipping and listening to the pastor and just spending quality time. I am so happy that these family units exist because they are so important. I just wish I felt accepted as a Christian woman who realllllllllllllllllllly wants to be a part of an A+B relationship but without C thrown in.

This rant went a little long, oh well. This is what happens when I go online and find young Christian conservative women in their twenties waxing profound on what it should mean to be a woman, including the maternal instinct, and that if you don't want kids now, you will someday. Sorry, but that box doesn't fit me. And I should still be allowed to find a husband who loves me for me, not for the offspring I can give him.

This post might seem harsh, especially since I haven't posted in so long. But it is genuinely how I feel from my perspective. And I'm not sorry.

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Paid Vacation Days: Finland vs. the US

Oh my gosh, America is so bad at this! I'm now appalled that the US government doesn't have mandatory paid vacation days. 

In case you're wondering what I'm talking about, here's the gist.

Both Finland and Sweden employed persons are allotted between 5 and 6 WEEKS of paid vacation time every year. This vacation time is mandatory, and to that I say, yes please, absolutely require me to take time off to spend with my family, to travel, to rest, and STILL GET PAID FOR IT. 

Whatever it is the US is doing, they're doing it wrong. There's a federal law somewhere that needs to be either created or changed to require employers to provide their staff with at least 5 weeks per year of paid vacation time. 

Just think of the mental health benefits?! If you want to take a month long trip to Europe with your family, you can do it because you're still being paid and you have job security. 

I'm sure there's a reason why the Finnish government has such labor laws in place, and there is undoubtedly a cost to the citizens of some sort, but again, I don't care. There can be a cost if it means that I'm allowed time to rest and just enjoy my house, my garden, my books, and a trip around the world all as part of a mandatory paid vacation.

The reason I'm starting to feel this lack keenly was the 5 months I spent last year out of work on severance pay. It was glorious. I enjoy working and I enjoy my new job, but I am frustrated because I am currently just a "temporary" employee which means even though I'm full-time, I have no paid time off benefits. No PTO, zip. So if I want to take time off, I will not be paid for it. I don't even get paid for official holidays so if we're closed on the 4th, sorry, I'm out of luck financially. That is the height of frustration and in Finland, that wouldn't happen.

If you work 35 hours or 14 days a month in Finland, you are eligible for your mandatory paid vacation leave of 25 days. It's the law. End of story. None of this temporary full-time worker with no benefits nonsense.

There is a growing mental health crisis and work burnout rate in the US. It's no wonder. Maybe instead of panicking over unbuilt border walls and who won what debate and whether a person's identity matches their birth sex, our politicians should consider ways to work together to get its citizens 5 or 6 weeks of mandatory paid leave. Take a page out of Sweden and Finland's books and I guarantee you that American citizens would be far better for it.

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Book Review: The Lily of Ludgate Hill by Mimi Matthews (2024)

 

Official Synopsis

Lady Anne Deveril doesn’t spook easily. A woman of lofty social standing known for her glacial beauty and starchy opinions, she’s the unofficial leader of her small group of equestriennes. Since her mother’s devastating plunge into mourning six years ago, Anne voluntarily renounced any fanciful notions of love and marriage. And yet, when fate puts Anne back into the entirely too enticing path of Mr. Felix Hartford, she’s tempted to run…right into his arms.

No one understands why Lady Anne withdrew into the shadows of society, Hart least of all. The youthful torch he once held for her has long since cooled. Or so he keeps telling himself. But now Anne needs a favor to help a friend. Hart will play along with her little ruse—on the condition that Anne attend a holiday house party at his grandfather’s country estate. No more mourning clothes. No more barriers. Only the two of them, unrequited feelings at last laid bare.

Finally free to gallop out on her own, Anne makes the tantalizing discovery that beneath the roguish exterior of her not-so-white knight is a man with hidden depths, scorching passions—and a tender heart.

My Thoughts

Mimi Matthews certainly knows how to tell a good story with engaging characters. While The Lily of Ludgate Hill is not my favorite of the Belles of London series, I thoroughly enjoyed Lady Anne and her loyalty to her grieving mother. She's a spunky heroine, but one who also knows her own mind regardless of how she might appear to people on the outside. Yes, she's been dressing in mourning back for years in respect to her father's memory. No, she hasn't settled down to a suitable match. Yes, she gives every appearance of being cowed by her mother. But not everything is as it appears as Felix Hartford discovers soon enough.

I'm not always on board with stories where the male lead is prone to arrogance, but for Felix, like Anne, he also is not all that he seems. The reader comes to know this about him soon enough, but it takes a bit of time for Anne to learn that she can't judge him by his outward behavior, but rather by the things he does in secret. Think of Sir Percy from The Scarlet Pimpernel where he behaves one way in public and another in private and you might have a slight idea. Of course, he's no Percy, but in his own way, Felix is quite heroic.

Their relationship is quite rocky, fraught with miscommunication and assumptions, and that might be one reason why I didn't necessarily love this book. But they do get things straightened out in the end and I believe they will be a truly charming couple. Both of them just needed to do a bit of growing up before their relationship could even begin to work.

Another reason for my liking and not loving The Lily of Ludgate Hill is that it starts up about 3/4 of the way into the previous book The Belle of Belgrave Square, which I absolutely ADORED! So that just felt strange, retelling from a different perspective the end of a previous book. Once we moved into a newer timeline with different events, I enjoyed the story more, but that beginning was a little slow-paced for my liking simply because I didn't really care at that point.

I also didn't care for all the new age mysticism and seances and spirit guides that Anne's mother believes in. Spirit guides tend to be something people play with and don't realize what they actually are. In this case, Dimitri is presented as being a figment of Anne's mother's imagination, but he could just as easily have been something else. Don't open that door.

I am hopeful for the 4th and final installation, The Muse of Maiden Lane since it follows the story of Stella, the fourth young lady in this group of friends, whose hair is completely gray and who may be falling in love with a gentleman in a wheelchair. I would love that story arc if that's what happens!

Kudos to Mimi Matthews for continuing with her clean fiction trend. You've got some passionate kisses here, but nothing else, and that's how I do tend to like it, fiery but careful with how much is shown. The Lily of Ludgate Hill is a quick and easy read and a charming way to pass some spare time. If you love clean romance and Victorian fiction then this one is probably for you!

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Household Facelift Time - Painting a Wall Green

My newly painted green wall and my cat basking in the attention

My sister and I are women of very eclectic tastes, preferring warm tones instead of cool tones, gold and bronze instead of silver, and one thing we've noticed is that we've gotten really tired of having off-white walls in our house. Off-white walls are boring and they show every single weird ding or mark or bump in our drywall. Because, naturally, our house was built in the 1970s and bumpy walls were in, even though we would both prefer smooth walls!

When we bought our house, it suited our needs and still does, basically. But it was all fitted out with burnished silver and cool tones. Naturally. Especially the kitchen. So, we made it work for a couple of years, but last year, amongst the weirdness with my job, we purchased new-to-us furniture that gives the house more of a vintage masculine vibe. It's all in more of a craftsman style and has warm brown and red and teal tones that we just love. 

But that's when the problem happened. We began really noticing our off-white walls. So bleh and boring and just, nope. We've always loved artwork so we already have lots of nice pieces around the house, but the walls just aren't dynamic enough to really make the artwork pop.

So we took the plunge.

We already have a wallpaper sample that we love that has this Art Deco vibe to it so I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to match the green at the store before a very helpful associate told me he could match it exactly with a scan. Go figure. So our paint on this lovely wall is exactly the color of the green in our wallpaper sample.

There will be one wall that gets smoothed out with a joint compound skim coat. That'll be an adventure, I'm sure. Until then, though, I took an entire day a weeks back and painted one family room wall green. I learned that I want the baseboards green as well as the trim around the doors and I have some fancy ideas for the doors themselves that will include adding molding.

We're very vintage in my house

I am going to paint the rest of the walls green, except for the ones that will be smoothed for very specific wallpaper. I'm in love with our green wall already and can hardly wait for the rest of the room to come together. We're sort of taking this facelift one room at a time.

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Book Review: The Visitation by Frank E Peretti (1999)

Official Goodreads Summary

Travis Jordan, a widower and burned-out pastor, hoped to disappear into the quiet, unassuming town of Antioch, Washington. Then a man claiming to be the new Christ arrives, performing miracle after miracle, and the national spotlight soon follows.

As the town escalates in its religious fervor, Travis must battle with his own questions about his faith and the increasing extremism and zealotry overtaking the town. The startling secret behind this visitation will ultimately push him into a supernatural confrontation that has eternal consequences.

My Review

I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't reading Frank E. Peretti's Christian fiction. I read his Cooper Kids series when I was a tween, graduated to his spiritual warfare duology when I was a teen (probably waaaaay too young, in hindsight, but I regret nothing), and have now read every novel he has ever written, some of them multiple times.

One of his books that I've read multiple times is The Visitation, that was originally published in 1999 but many aspects of it still remain relevant today. People love a hero, we love to be followers of the person who has it all together and can fix all the things that are wrong in life through this method or that belief. Just sit down and scroll through the cult section of Netflix docuseries. You'll be appalled at how often people are misled and fooled by a charismatic leader who's been hit with the "lucky stick" and obtained a cult following.

It had literally been a decade since I last read The Visitation. But I had a strange, burning need to buy a copy, as if it had some nugget of truth that I needed to encounter right now. Turns out, that was the Holy Spirit's leading. I feel a lot like Travis Jordan sometimes. Burned out and tired of faking an enthusiasm that I don't feel for all the "church things." I'm not burned out on God, but on church, I am majorly burned out.

I'm a middle of the road kind of person. And I would like to think that I'm not easily fooled or pulled into causes or party lines. I know what I believe in and that's what matters, but I don't have to advertise my beliefs everywhere. And I do not appreciate feeling like a whole section of the American Christian church has been taken over by a certain political candidate. Now, who you vote for and why is your business. But no political party or candidate is my God, and I find myself cringing at the cult-like following that's developing for a certain someone.

I don't know or care what Mr. Peretti's political views are. He might completely disagree with my middle of the road stance and that's fine by me. He's allowed to. But The Visitation helped me continue to wake up to the reality that Jesus saves and everyone else is a counterfeit. Any church leader or political leader who claims to have all the answers, well, they're a counterfeit. What I look for in leaders is servant leadership, that they know they still have a lot to learn from the people round them, and that they are completely fallible and prone to mistakes.

Anything else and you've got a Brandon Nichols arriving in a small town, working signs and wonders, and the entire Christian population proclaims him as Jesus instead of stopping and thinking "hmm, where is his power coming from?"

I don't know. I'm probably super sensitive to the political season right now. Politics always drain me, and never more so than right now. But one thing that didn't drain me was re-reading The Visitation. It is 500+ pages long and I breezed through it in a few days, just like I always have before. It's a brilliant novel by a brilliant storyteller and I will continue to love it. And now I own it so I can pick it up for a thrilling re-read whenever I want.

One last thought, be careful who you make your god.

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Canceling the Children's Literature Party

Well, turns out I have a few unexpected commitments that came up in April, one of which will include 10 days of traveling for work (I am quite excited about that, actually, since it's an overseas trip!). Plus, well, as I'm sure ya'll have noticed, I just haven't been very active on this blog for the last 9 months or so. I think I need to be more active before I try to host anything. It just makes sense.

So, yep, I am canceling the Children's Literature Party for this year.

I might reassess for next year, but for right now, I do need to focus on my other commitments.

Hope everyone is well and enjoying their best life and their blogs! I'll post about books when I feel the urge to do so since I am reading a TON in my spare time, but I love reading more than I do talking online about the books that I read. Go figure! 

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We Love Sibling Stories Week Tag

Today is the final day in Rachel's We Love Sibling Stories Week! It's been fun to celebrate on her blog and I encourage my readers to go over and play some of the games and such that she's put together and, of course, read the posts that others have done about their favorite sets of siblings!

Here are my answers to her delightful tag. I've enjoyed seeing the variety of responses that people have shared! 

The Tag:

1. Do you have any siblings?

Yes, I have a younger sister who is also my best friend. She means the world to me.

2. Who are some of your favorite fictional sibling groups?

Sherlock and Mycroft Holmes

Elinor, Marianne, and Margaret Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility

3. Are there any fictional families you wish you could belong to yourself?

Evie and Jonathan from The Mummy

The Mummy is one of my favorite movies of all time and a big part of that is Evie and Jonathan! I think it would be endless chaos and fun in a good way being a part of their sibling group! Plus, I would be traveling in Egypt with them so what's not to love about that?!

4. Have you ever watched or read a book that reminded you of your own family?

None that I can think of right now. I tend to avoid stories that feel too much like real life. 😉

5. What fictional sibling would you NOT want for your own sibling?

Lydia Bennet from Pride and Prejudice, hands down! She would drive me crazy with her impulsive, careless behavior. Of course, we all know that her behavior is encouraged by her mother and ignored by her father, so the family really is to blame, but still.

6. Are you more drawn to stories about brothers or sisters?

It doesn't matter to me one way or the other. I tend to like male protagonists and there is a sad lack of them, so I'm always excited when I find a story with brothers instead of sisters. But I love stories with sisters because that's what I have and can relate to.

7. What makes a story involving siblings interesting to you?

Dean and Sam Winchester from Supernatural

I prefer stories with a solid older/younger sibling relationship. I can relate to older siblings taking care of or being concerned about younger siblings. I'm not keen on stories where there's a major family rift, but stories with quirky sibling groups really warms my heart. And I think I'm curious about sibling groups with brothers and sisters because that isn't my reality. So I'm fascinated by siblings like the Pevensies in Narnia or even male sibling groups like Frank and Joe Hardy or Sherlock and Mycroft Holmes or even the Winchesters in Supernatural. Guys relate differently than girls so that intrigues me.

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