Monday, August 5, 2013

Do you ever ask yourself "What do I want to become?"

The problem with me is that I ask the question, but am never entirely sure of my answer. A part of me still wants to be a librarian. I mean, I'm so close to being qualified, at least to be an information specialist. One more semester and I've got the degree. I could go for an MLS degree and make over $20 an hour. Sounds nice, really nice. And up until recently that was my goal.

I'm not sure what changed. It's not that I don't like the library anymore, I LOVE it. But I think the political correctness and diversity BS they feed me isn't healthy. I've been in that environment for almost 8 years and it really wears you down. I don't want to tell a confused 14-year-old where the LGBT books are located. Those books aren't going to help. I don't want to softsoap Christian fiction by calling it "Inspirational," whatever the heck that's supposed to mean. Even the Library Journal calls it Christian fiction because that's the designation. So, yeah, not quite sure if sticking with the library scene is the right plan.

See, that's the thing. I'm torn in two different directions. One direction wants me to take a leap of faith towards wherever God might lead me. And the other half of me freaks out at the prospect of change and decides to stick with the familiar. Who knows where God could send me. I don't know if this is a result of my MBTI percentages as an ISFJ being low enough to cross over or what. If that's the case, I'd much rather have higher percentages because at least then I would be settled into one personality trait or another. But I flicker, back and forth, so while the personality type never changes, those darn percentages do, making my reactions to things unpredictable.

I believe in supernatural forces. Always have. I believe that this world is a battleground for demons and angels and I believe the saints (or Christians) have the power to strengthen the side of righteousness through prayer. But I also know that we become complacent through fear by allowing the enemy to drain our faith. Think about it. A part of me is afraid of the big, bad world which means I'm not trusting God the way I should or taking steps of faith.

Kids are trained from an early age now to believe in everything and nothing. Respect all walks of life by having no genuine beliefs of your own. Not loving that concept, let me tell ya. No wonder our kids are so mixed-up they bring guns to school! There are no boundaries, no genuine right and wrong taught to them anymore. I don't know about you, but I love my boundaries. I love knowing the edge of where I can go and what I can do according to my faith. It's not limiting but liberating. I don't have to live the way the world lives. I don't have to yield to that type of perversity and I sure don't have to condone it. But we do anyway! By not saying or doing anything against the perversity!

I don't know where all this thinking will lead me. All I know is that with every passing birthday I grow more restless for something I can't describe. Sometimes I think it's a spouse, but that's not it, not really. I think it's a spiritual hunger to let God work in my life. Because He won't force His way in; won't force me to do something I don't want to do. i have to not only ask Him, but then obey Him when He opens a door. Not easy! So I'm living practically the same life I was 8 years ago only now I realize that I don't like it, that something should have changed by now. I have no idea what shape or form that change should take. But it's time I asked Him to direction my up-to-now directionless life.


  1. You're in the same spot I'm in, only in my case it's me wondering if I actually WANT to be involved romantically with someone, if I actually WANT to be a wife and mother, or if I'm happier being alone, writing books, and owning cats. I hate the indecision of not knowing. I hate trying to choose between two worlds. I hate not being able to test one out before deciding if I want to live in it.

    Oh, well. I must learn to live in the moment, and stop freaking out as I look ahead. :P

    1. Don't these life decisions just irk you? I know the Lord will bless me even if I make a wrong decision regarding my career. He can use me in any job and environment, but I really want to be of use in the place He considers best for me. So He's going to have to shout awful loud once I've finished school so I'll understand where He wants me to serve.

      Testing out our worlds before picking one would be awesome! I wish life worked that way. I guess we'll just have to trust that wherever we eventually find ourselves is the place the Lord wants us to be. Do you pray about whether you want to have a mate? Because if you don't, I would recommend starting. *hugs*

    2. God really only cares about our relationship with Him. That's what makes it more frustrating. I'd do fine if He'd just hand me a road sign, instead of having me make all my own decisions. But noooo... =P

      I sometimes pray about it, but not much. SIGH.

    3. I know you're right. That's what pastor is always reminding us of too, that it's our relationship with Him that matters. I guess his weakness is texting so he literally has to turn his phone off and put in another room when he sits down to have a real heart-to-heart with the Lord. I know how he feels.

      You want a map to your future? What, are you crazy? ;)

      I guess this is one of these moments where we trust that He's in control. Not always easy.


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