Missing Her

Sometimes weariness runs bone deep and other times it's just emotion deep.

Today I think it's the latter.

For days at a time, I'm doing great, no worries or concerns, no emotional upheaval. Then I remember that my grandmother just died and the world kerplunks out of orbit and I feel like bursting into uncontrollable sobs. My mind is just so tired and I'm worried that if I stop for a moment I may just collapse. Which may explain the sudden compulsion to watch so much television so I don't ever have time alone with my thoughts (like now). My tv shows won't heal the wound that's forming in my heart. They're not really going to help much other than take my focus away for a little while. But should that focus be taken away from the grieving?

Shouldn't I allow myself to grieve? To feel the loss and the pain? To fully experience the knowledge that now none of my grandparents will ever see me walk down the aisle? They're gone and there's nothing I can do to change it. I loved my grandmother, deeply. And knowing that she had forgotten that her daughter had children, that she'd even gotten married, it hurts. Knowing she didn't remember me at the end hurts so badly. It's one of the worst sensations I've ever experienced. But at least I'm acknowledging the loss now. I can't just turn my head away, close off my mind from the pain. I need to let it come. And if I'm all right for days at a time, that's good, but when the sorrow strikes, I need to feel it. Like now.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the loving grandmother you gave me for 26 years of my life. Thank you for her spunk and her courage. Her smile was so beautiful. She always wore skirts. And she first taught me how to work with plastic canvas. She was a wonderful woman, a woman of faith, a woman who loved her husband of 30+ years and who loved You. Please, help my family heal. I never thought it would be this hard. In Christ's name. Amen.